It's been a long time, are things any better?

I guess it's about time I wrote something here. so here goes, I guess...
My life right now is a mess.
I have very little in life I strive for, I am a fairly simple, yet at the same time extremely complex person.
All I aim for and want in life is the same as any other human being out there. That is be loved by and to love someone else unconditionally, create and have a life together and be happy in my life and what I do.
Some time ago just after having my heart broken by the one person I thought I was meant to be with, I lost my way.
I lost and forgot who I was, and what I wanted from life.
For years I was broken, jumping from one bed to another, satisfying my need to be and feel loved by another person with meaningless sex and dating anyone I could to just feel wanted.
It just broke me further, until one day early 2014 I met a woman I thought would be an easy lay.
We talked online and through text for a couple of weeks, to find out we had a lot in common, and decided to meet up.
Not for sex, but for an actual date.
After the first date, I drove away astonished and astounded. At that moment I thought and felt like I had finally found the one.
We dated for only a short three and a half months. I fell madly in love with her, and she told me she felt the same.
Due to her bad past and history with an ex, in the end she decided it was best for me to break it off, rather than let me fall even deeper in love with her than I already was, because she couldn't commit to me like I was to her.
Whilst we were together, we talked one day, about us and how she can't commit. She said something that I palmed off right away. That something was, What if she was brought into my life to fix me enough to be able to love and feel again, and make me the person I wanted to be. My instant reaction was to tell her, it was her, and what we had between us that was making me that person, the better man and the person I had known before and lost.
With that being said, to help me get over her.
I spent a lot of time talking to my best friend. Through the break up she was my rock, the one person I knew I could turn to and talk to about anything and everything that I had on my mind.
Through the years of knowing her, I had always had an on and off crush on her. This time it was different, very different.
I began to notice my feelings for her growing stronger and stronger with every conversation, text message and phone call we made.
So, at first I just came to the conclusion it's got to be the feelings I had for the woman I fell in love with, and was trying to get over being placed onto my friend as a coping mechanism.
Boy was I wrong! Earlier in the year while I was happy in my relationship, I introduced my friend to a very good friend of mine, trying to set them up together. At the time I was disappointed it went nowhere between the two of them. As time drew on, I was happy about it. Seeing them as two very very good friends. We could go out for drinks, meals or even just chill together, and it was everything I needed to be happy.
Until New Years Eve....
At about 10:30pm someone at the party we were at made a comment about my best friend and I making a lovely couple. So she replied about how I've always had a crush on her.
I turned, looked at her, and suggested we went outside for a smoke. While outside alone, I told her she was right and left it at that. At least she knew, and wasn't just guessing anymore.
About an hour later, I was just on my way back inside after another smoke, and she caught me on the stairs and told me she needed to tell me something, but I had to promise her I wouldn't get upset about it.
What she had to tell me was heartbreaking. Before she said about me having a crush on her, and me saying it was true. She told my other close friend, she liked him.
I don't know if it was my emotions and feelings for her finally being realised, or if it was the alcohol but a tear came rushing down my cheek whilst looking her in the eye saying it's ok.
We sat down and talked for a while, and she asked me something which I couldn't answer properly. Her question was, do I just really really like her, or am I in love with her? My initial answer was, I don't know. All I know is it started off as a small crush, and with time it just grew. I wanted to tell her I am really in love with her, but I know with the place she is at right now, it would have torn her apart. After our conversation, I met a couple of the guys on their way out for a smoke. So I went to join them, in the end I saw my new year in with a spliff in one had and tears being wiped from my eyes with the other.
I hadn't touched weed for 4 months, I was never a big toker, but I said from the moment I last smoked before then, I wouldn't smoke any more. I was angry at myself for more than one reason that night.
We went back inside, before we got to the room the party was in, she was there waiting for me, we went into my friends bedroom, where I was staying. We talked some more, and she made me promise everything that had been said and done that night wouldn't change a thing between me and my friend, and told me she couldn't loose me. We hugged, I sent her back to the party and I went to sleep.
In the morning she came in to see if I was ok, and if I would still give her a ride home. Just before we left, my friend came into the room, face blank and full of fear. Lips trembling not knowing what to say or do.
So I just simply told him to shut up, and we would talk later, hugged him and walked out. I drove her home in silence, not knowing what to say to make any of this better, just knowing it wasn't the right time.
When I pulled up outside her place, she just asked that when I got home to let her know I was home safe. So I told her I would, and that I've been wanting her to know how I feel about her for a long time. I had just never found the right time, and even then, that still wasn't the right time,
As I drove home I called my other friend, we talked briefly.
He promised me nothing had happened between them as of yet, and her liking him was no guarantee that anything would,
I let him know how much it hurt, but I couldn't loose good friends over something like this, and that was about the entirety of our conversation.
When I got home I let her know I was home safe. We texted a bit and the last message to be sent I told her that I hope when she is finally over her ex and she was back in a truly good place, we should have the conversation about me and her again, and properly. She never replied until 24 hours later, just asking if I was ok.
We talked a little bit after that, but she wouldn't let me in, she wouldn't talk about how she felt, or what was going on in her head. Saying the problems she has she faces everyday, and she has them in her head and on her mind all the time, and talking about them pisses her off and makes her angry. Talking about them wont make them disappear. So after my short reply of ok, she told me not to take it horribly and she was just saying.
The last message to this point was me saying I get it, you don't want to talk.
So I'm sat here writing this, feeling awful. I'm loosing my two best friends, and one of them the girl I'm in love with. There's nothing I can do right now to change or stop this. I just have to sit and wait and ride out the pain and see what happens, and this isn't going to be easy. I know to fix this, I need to keep my distance and not just have some space for myself, but give them both space too. Let her figure herself out, and them figure out what they want out of each other if anything. If they make a go of it and get together, at least in the end I can know I've brought two amazing people together. I just wish I wasn't always the one that gets hurt when I finally let someone in.

I need to start writing more!

Yes I need to start writing more!

As the title suggests I need to start writing more, I don't have much free time lately.

I am currently working over 60 hours per week, which consists of 5 12 hour shifts, which I'll admit drains you very much. Also as to my last post, I'm no longer training karate I have changed up to kickboxing which is different and more of a challenge as I an so used to the way karate is set up. 

On top of that I rarely spend much time on the internet these days, but I will now try and make sure I post at least once a week with something interesting, or something I just fancy talking about. 

So for now I bid you farewell but will have something to write about soon.

Things looking good!

Well it's certainly been a while since I last posted on here to say the least!
In the time i've been away from here, I must admit I have changed a lot in my life.
the first step I took was to stop playing the xbox for around 4 hours a day, to probably less than 4 hours a week. Wow! what a difference that has made, just having that extra time spare i've managed to join the gym and start up karate again, which has boosted not only my self confidence a fair bit, but I feel much happier and healthier for it. I am going to set my self a goal of having a toned body within the next 8 months to a year, and try to actually achieve my black belt this time round.
Then if I manage to reach these goals and continue doing so well, I plan to try and enter some national karate competitions, as when I used to train I managed to achieve regional medals gold, silver and bronze in 3 different tournements, so my sights may be set high.
Yes set very high, but that only sets me up to achieve more in the end, you only reach success if you aim for it, never settle for second best. No matter how long it takes, it WILL be worth it in the end.

Broken heart, still mending two years later?

I have to say this one is new to me, very very new.

I never have been a very sentimental person, but as a lot of stories start, there was this one girl, the one who got away.

It has been about 18 months now, over a year and a half, one relationship and many crushes since her, but why do I still suddenly miss her?

This is one question I cannot for the life of me answer. I managed to go almost a year with out thinking of her, or in this way at least. Untill something just went wrong or clicked in my head, and now for about a week now I havent stopped thinking about her, what we had, and what could have been.

She was a gorgeous lovely girl, with shoulder length blonde hair, lovely brown eyes, and a skinny petite body to die for, not forgetting the killer smile....

We broke up after a while of arguing, I knew I didn't want to lose her, I felt love for her like no one before, or at the time I thought I did, but now, I begin to think it must have been, she must have been the one, right? or why else would I be thinking about her so long after we broke up and in the same way?

I thought it was just going to take time at first, but to begin, I let a month pass, and thought I would get over her soon, then 2, then 3 and before I knew it, I had still been wanting to hear back from her after 6 months.

I finally pulled myself together and got back on track, and started seeing some one else seriously, and BAMM, I get hit with an email from her, saying she still feels the same, and regrets ever breaking up, but I was just starting a new life, new relationship, and I wanted to try and get this one to the same point as the last. I told the new girl about her, and she wasnt too sure, so to keep her happy, I cut off all ties with the ex I had been pining for and still in love with.

For a year I kept seeing the new girl, and kept trying to make it work and tried so hard to have the same feelings for my ex, but they never came, and we finally split. No remorse, no regrets and no need to worry about her, or think about her. Yet all of a sudden all feelings i had for my ex have came rushing back, and just as strong and intense as ever before, but why? It feels like I have gone back a million steps, to where I was over a year ago, but should I put everything on the line and contact her, should I try to find and work out the problems we had, and do what I would have by now, and move the 100 miles across the country to be with her, just as I was about to do before we split. Or do I just leave it, and try to move on, no matter how hard it is?



FreebieJeebies is REAL!

 http://consoles.freebiejeebies.co.uk/183310

FreebieJeebies a site I think everyone should know about!

I have seen hundreds of links around the internet about people asking if freebiejeebies is a scam or actually real.

Well guys this is the real deal, I started over a year ago with them, I signed up with a lot of curiosity just wondering if it was actually real, and I wanted to find out for my self. I took the LoveFilm trial offer, which meant I got to rent a new movie I had actually been wanting to see anyway, and for free, once the trial was over, I canceled my subscription, and then just carried on with the referral scheme.

Yes, I know it sounds too good to be true, and too easy to be real, but just sit back, think about it and take a look, you have to actually do something. You have to complete an offer yourself, then on top of that you have to hunt around and try and find people to sign up on your referral link (which looks like this http://consoles.freebiejeebies.co.uk/183310 ) and then make sure they do an offer to get you your completed referral.

So yes it is easy, but only if you know the tricks, find a link, sign up to someone else's link, they get their referral, and do your offer, then just spend time online, posting your link around with a quick explaination of what it is and what it does. Post it on every chatroom, forum, social media or networking sight you are on, tell your friends and family, that way you should be able to get off to a rolling start. Most gifts only cost about 10 referrals. so all you need to do is just simply get 10 people to sign up and do an offer on your link. I can guarentee that it is real, and not a scam, but if you still feel unsure about it here is one video that is living proof of it.

As an added bonus, if you are still unsure about this, just leave a comment, and I promise to get back to you personally within 48 hours and try and help with anything that is troubling you.

So why not give it a try, here take my link, http://consoles.freebiejeebies.co.uk/183310 sign up here and good luck.

Online gaming, and rage!

Well I thought about this one last night, whilst I was playing modern warfare 3 on the xbox.

I was playing domination on lockdown, and i was quick-scoping and I thought having a positive K/D with about 10 kills above my deaths, I was doing quite well. Untill i finished that game, went on to the theatre to record and save some clips of that game to show off to my mates, and imn the middle of that Ireceived a message from a random gamer so I thought I would read it and see what he had to say.

I was very surprised about what there was in the message, to the point I actually started to laugh out loud and had the friend I was talking to in private chat ask me what I was laughing at. Well take a quick look at this clip that I took from my xbox and the message and profile of one certain gamer that didn't seem to like how I was playing.

This then got me thinking, over the years I have playerd on consoles and played online and got stressed, how many time have i threatened someone with something like this, and so uncalled for? Never! Never once have I ever threatened to hack somebodies account or anything like that.

When I get stressed I subconciously just rage quit the game, its now a force of habbit that I cant get out of doing, very rarely shout or scream at some one, and never threaten them, for me Xbox Live has the submit player reviews and file complaints features for a reason, and I myself are just one to the many that actually use these two features as they should be.

How about you guys? Let me know how you deal with players that annoy you, leave comments below.

Funerals - Happy or Sad?

Today, I write this in a fairly raw and emotional state.

My family and I have just got back home after attending my Grandfathers funeral.

They to me, are something I have always tried to avoid, no matter who the person was, and how I knew them, I tried to always avoid a funeral.

I avoided them for the one reason, that I see myself as a fairly Alpha male, one not to show emotion other than anger or just to show I am just content. Today for me was not only a sad day, but very liberating!

It has now been about a week and a half since my grandfather suddenly passed away, and after just over a week, we had nearly all gotten back to our regular working and happy selves, to have a day of depression and rememberance dawn upon us. As we all walked into the chapel, we all were silent, walking with our heads down looking no further than where our feet were leading us.
Right up untill the moment we heared the beloved childrens song Bob the builder being played, where as soon as we all clocked it, had a quick chuckle then back to the mourning we were there for.


The Vicor started to talk and spoke about my grandfather but, it was strange, he spoke of him as he knew him, and spoke of him with serenity and cheer. I first thought how could he do this, how could he see the passing of my grandfather to be a time of cheer. My sister then went up to read a poem, and the poem I think was called "He lived" and in it were a few lines that stuck with me, and it may not have cheered me up straight away, but they did deffinately put my mind at ease and comfort me. One line i remember well went something like "will you be sad that I have died, or happy that I lived" which settled me to know that, even though he is now gone, not to sit and dwell on what I have lost, but to sit back and let us all remember fond and happy memories we all had with each other and him.
So when the service was over, we all headed back to the pub, and not mourned the death of a loved one, but sat back and drank my grandfathers favourite drink, with a toast to his name and just reminisced over the memories we had of him, mostly laughing at him not with him, which settled us all, and after the night was done, even my grandmother walked away with nearly a smile on her face to remember what a joy her late husband was to be with.


So what I ask to you is, do you attend funerals, and how you act at one, do you sit in the corner and mourn the death of a family member or friend, or do you start to mingle and talk and meet new friends reminiscing and talking about the wonderful life of a dear friend? Leave your thoughts and comments below...