I guess it's about time I wrote something here. so here goes, I guess...
My life right now is a mess.
I have very little in life I strive for, I am a fairly simple, yet at the same time extremely complex person.
All I aim for and want in life is the same as any other human being out there. That is be loved by and to love someone else unconditionally, create and have a life together and be happy in my life and what I do.
Some time ago just after having my heart broken by the one person I thought I was meant to be with, I lost my way.
I lost and forgot who I was, and what I wanted from life.
For years I was broken, jumping from one bed to another, satisfying my need to be and feel loved by another person with meaningless sex and dating anyone I could to just feel wanted.
It just broke me further, until one day early 2014 I met a woman I thought would be an easy lay.
We talked online and through text for a couple of weeks, to find out we had a lot in common, and decided to meet up.
Not for sex, but for an actual date.
After the first date, I drove away astonished and astounded. At that moment I thought and felt like I had finally found the one.
We dated for only a short three and a half months. I fell madly in love with her, and she told me she felt the same.
Due to her bad past and history with an ex, in the end she decided it was best for me to break it off, rather than let me fall even deeper in love with her than I already was, because she couldn't commit to me like I was to her.
Whilst we were together, we talked one day, about us and how she can't commit. She said something that I palmed off right away. That something was, What if she was brought into my life to fix me enough to be able to love and feel again, and make me the person I wanted to be. My instant reaction was to tell her, it was her, and what we had between us that was making me that person, the better man and the person I had known before and lost.
With that being said, to help me get over her.
I spent a lot of time talking to my best friend. Through the break up she was my rock, the one person I knew I could turn to and talk to about anything and everything that I had on my mind.
Through the years of knowing her, I had always had an on and off crush on her. This time it was different, very different.
I began to notice my feelings for her growing stronger and stronger with every conversation, text message and phone call we made.
So, at first I just came to the conclusion it's got to be the feelings I had for the woman I fell in love with, and was trying to get over being placed onto my friend as a coping mechanism.
Boy was I wrong! Earlier in the year while I was happy in my relationship, I introduced my friend to a very good friend of mine, trying to set them up together. At the time I was disappointed it went nowhere between the two of them. As time drew on, I was happy about it. Seeing them as two very very good friends. We could go out for drinks, meals or even just chill together, and it was everything I needed to be happy.
Until New Years Eve....
At about 10:30pm someone at the party we were at made a comment about my best friend and I making a lovely couple. So she replied about how I've always had a crush on her.
I turned, looked at her, and suggested we went outside for a smoke. While outside alone, I told her she was right and left it at that. At least she knew, and wasn't just guessing anymore.
About an hour later, I was just on my way back inside after another smoke, and she caught me on the stairs and told me she needed to tell me something, but I had to promise her I wouldn't get upset about it.
What she had to tell me was heartbreaking. Before she said about me having a crush on her, and me saying it was true. She told my other close friend, she liked him.
I don't know if it was my emotions and feelings for her finally being realised, or if it was the alcohol but a tear came rushing down my cheek whilst looking her in the eye saying it's ok.
We sat down and talked for a while, and she asked me something which I couldn't answer properly. Her question was, do I just really really like her, or am I in love with her? My initial answer was, I don't know. All I know is it started off as a small crush, and with time it just grew. I wanted to tell her I am really in love with her, but I know with the place she is at right now, it would have torn her apart. After our conversation, I met a couple of the guys on their way out for a smoke. So I went to join them, in the end I saw my new year in with a spliff in one had and tears being wiped from my eyes with the other.
I hadn't touched weed for 4 months, I was never a big toker, but I said from the moment I last smoked before then, I wouldn't smoke any more. I was angry at myself for more than one reason that night.
We went back inside, before we got to the room the party was in, she was there waiting for me, we went into my friends bedroom, where I was staying. We talked some more, and she made me promise everything that had been said and done that night wouldn't change a thing between me and my friend, and told me she couldn't loose me. We hugged, I sent her back to the party and I went to sleep.
In the morning she came in to see if I was ok, and if I would still give her a ride home. Just before we left, my friend came into the room, face blank and full of fear. Lips trembling not knowing what to say or do.
So I just simply told him to shut up, and we would talk later, hugged him and walked out. I drove her home in silence, not knowing what to say to make any of this better, just knowing it wasn't the right time.
When I pulled up outside her place, she just asked that when I got home to let her know I was home safe. So I told her I would, and that I've been wanting her to know how I feel about her for a long time. I had just never found the right time, and even then, that still wasn't the right time,
As I drove home I called my other friend, we talked briefly.
He promised me nothing had happened between them as of yet, and her liking him was no guarantee that anything would,
I let him know how much it hurt, but I couldn't loose good friends over something like this, and that was about the entirety of our conversation.
When I got home I let her know I was home safe. We texted a bit and the last message to be sent I told her that I hope when she is finally over her ex and she was back in a truly good place, we should have the conversation about me and her again, and properly. She never replied until 24 hours later, just asking if I was ok.
We talked a little bit after that, but she wouldn't let me in, she wouldn't talk about how she felt, or what was going on in her head. Saying the problems she has she faces everyday, and she has them in her head and on her mind all the time, and talking about them pisses her off and makes her angry. Talking about them wont make them disappear. So after my short reply of ok, she told me not to take it horribly and she was just saying.
The last message to this point was me saying I get it, you don't want to talk.
So I'm sat here writing this, feeling awful. I'm loosing my two best friends, and one of them the girl I'm in love with. There's nothing I can do right now to change or stop this. I just have to sit and wait and ride out the pain and see what happens, and this isn't going to be easy. I know to fix this, I need to keep my distance and not just have some space for myself, but give them both space too. Let her figure herself out, and them figure out what they want out of each other if anything. If they make a go of it and get together, at least in the end I can know I've brought two amazing people together. I just wish I wasn't always the one that gets hurt when I finally let someone in.
